For this week’s student correction we’re going to correct a student’s introduction for an opinion essay question.
With opinion essays, you need to state your opinion about the topic and support that opinion throughout the essay. This is not the same as the discussion essay we talked about last week, which requires to you discuss both sides.
For an IELTS opinion essay introduction, you should…
- paraphrase the original statement and
- give a general answer (in this case, your opinion)
Task 2 Opinion Question:
People under the age 18 who commit crimes should be re-educated rather than punished. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Student Introduction (with mistakes):
Recently, there is a growing tendency in the public’s perception that adolescent criminals deserve the re-education instead of the punishment. As for me, both of the treatments are not incompatible but complementary to each other; in truth, they are equally essential to reduce the juvenile delinquency in the long run.
Lee’s Comments: Even before editing, this introduction is quite good. The vocabulary here is high level as is the grammar. It also has both of the essential elements of a good introduction (paraphrase and opinion). However, there are still a few mistakes in both grammar and vocabulary usage. In my corrections I’ve simplified the sentences and structures to make them more clear and accurate.
Corrections:
Recently, there is a growing
tendency in the public’s perception thatpublic dialogue about whether it would be better to reform adolescent criminals through educationdeserve the re-educationinstead ofthecriminal punishment.As for me,I believe that rather than being incompatible, both methods ofthetreatmentsarenot incompatible butcomplementaryto each other; in truth. That is, they are equally essentialto reducein reducingthejuvenile delinquency in the long run.
Final:
Recently, there is a growing public dialogue about whether it would be better to reform adolescent criminals through education instead of criminal punishment. I believe that rather than being incompatible, both methods of treatment are complementary. That is, they are equally essential in reducing juvenile delinquency in the long run.
Finally, here is my own sample answer.
Lee’s Sample Introduction:
While it is general common sense that it is necessary to punish criminals, when the debate shifts to the punishment and rehabilitation of adolescent criminals, public opinion is significantly less one-sided. Some believe that rather than being punished like typical criminals, the focus for minors should be on their re-education. I agree with this push for re-education with the caveat that criminal punishment is still appropriate at certain times.
Next week’s question:
Write your answer to following question from Cambridge IELTS 11 and post it in the comments below or on the IELTS Master Facebook Page.
Question:
Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Today, many government think that economic progress is their most important goal, however some people think that other types of progress are equally important for a country. In my opinion, for a country to develop and maintain peace and stability, progress of all types are equally important. While economic progress heightens the economy of of the country, other types of progress contribute to maintain sovereignty and well being in the country.
Economic progress is important for any country to develop. With this progress, household income in the country increases. Per-capita income of people increases which in turn would raise their living standard. For an instance, with increase in turn over rate of country’s hydro-power industry, revenue increases with which the country would embark on more sophisticated technologies for better services.
Similarly, progress in education, culture and tradition of the country are equally important. It is with education that the mind set of people is directed rightly. Educated parents guide their children in right direction. Progress in approach to culture and tradition of the country should be an utmost priority of every nation. Today, with international influence of one country over another, maintaining one’s identity has become very urgent issue. Every country has their own culture and tradition which signifies their own identity. For an instance, people from Bhutan are identified base only on their unique dress and language. Like wise every country have their own.
Therefore, as discussed in the lines above, progress in economy as well as in other sectors in the country is equally important. While economic progress should be the ground for development, other types of progress adds value to it. Therefore, every progress in the country should go on simultaneously.
It is augured by a majority of governments that economic progress is the single most vital thing, however some people are of the view that progressing otherwise is of equal importance. This essay will agree with that statement. When government is stable it’s citizens are able to enjoy peace and stability. Moreover an economically processive government is able to create job opportunities for it’s citizens.
Firstly of all, A government that has advanced economically uses it financial ability to defend itself from both internal and external attacks. Countries that are able to support themselves are in a position to recruit and train more security forces, they also have the ability to incorporate sophisticated security technology in their everyday activities to defend their country from all aggression. A prime example Kenya, has been in a position to defend it borders from attach by the Somalian’s , Alshabab terrorist by using helicopters and highly trained forces,
Secondly, Are job opportunities creates as a result of economic progression in one’s country? .This is true to most states .When an economy of a country is growing upwards , it is bound to attract investors in return this bring about job creation. To illustrate this a sizable number of multinational companies have started opening up businesses in East African countries as a result of the current economic growth in return bring about increase in job opportunities.
In conclusion, I believe that every government should aim at progressing economically due to the trickle-down effects that it will have on its citizens , such as creation on jobs opportunities and also peace and stability.
Sincere thanks for Lee’s revision :D! It’s really helpful for me to find mistakes I neglect before.
Here is my practice for this week:
For a long time, it is an issue of great debate about whether the dominant purpose governments are supposed to serve is growth in economy. Since one country does consist of neither bills, bonds nor invisible fiscal numbers simply, I believe that there are still many dimensions of development beneficial for its citizens and government could be committed to.
Initially, the most prevalent problem accompanying economic progress is wealth inequality. It is not surprising that the majority of financial growth is contributed by magnates or immense corporations in high value-added industries like computer engineering, banking and real estate. Under consideration of difference in individual earning abilities, if a government lets go of redistribution of country’s wealth, the gulf between the haves and the have-nots will be definitely broader. Furthermore, the crime rate would soar owing to unfairness and harsh living condition; then welfare system including reformation and health care is essential. On top of that, environment is often sacrificed by pollution or exploitation for economic progress. Apparently, these problems are closely related to development of a country.
Nevertheless, in regard to government resources, the significance of economic growth is undeniable. While one cannot make bricks without straws, government has no measure to achieve those goals mentioned above if in lack of continuing funds. That is, no matter the money is originated from state-owned enterprises, public services or taxpayers, once the economic scale is stuck in standstill or even shrinks, government revenue would inevitably decrease; as a result, functions sustained by government would not be complete. From this perspective, it seems reasonable to government that it should be in pursuit of developing economy. But it cannot be an excuse, especially for a government which is satisfied with just slight economic progress, ignoring other duties it bears.
Conclusively, to maintain persistent prosperity of nationals and society as a whole, balanced progress of one country plays a vital role; thus I approve of the statement that not merely economic growth should government concentrate on, but it has to cope with other diverse objectives as well.
I think your essay is not answering the question completely though it has been written with advanced vocabulary and grammar.To elaborate this, you have answered only abouteconomic progress while you have not discussed about the other aspects.
Some people argue that various type of Development is equally essential for a nation , but, Many governments has set goal to the most essential priority is economically growth and they think it can be more important for nation.However,before forming an opinion I shall discuss both prespectives properly inorder to clear my idea.