In this post I’m going to show part of a student essay and correct it. It can be helpful to see common mistakes so you don’t make them yourself.
Before we begin, keep in mind that the four areas that IELTS markers will look at (click here for the official IELTS descriptors).
IELTS Markers
- Task Achievement: Does it answer all of the requirements in a fully developed way?
- Coherence and Cohesion: Are the different ideas connected in a logical way? Are the different sentences connected in a logical way?
- Lexical Resource: Is there variety in the vocabulary? Is the vocabulary use appropriate?
- Grammatical Range and Accuracy: Is the grammar accurate? Is there a mix of simple and complex sentences?
Task 2 Sample Question:
Today more and more old cities are being rebuilt and redesigned in order to be modernized. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this trend? Give your opinion and relevant examples.
The Student’s Introduction (with mistakes):
Nowadays, there is a tendency that many old cities modernize their buildings. This phenomenon has brought about a heat debate concerning whether it is a positive development.
Lee’s Comments: Looking at this answer, the biggest problem is with task achievement. You should make your opinion clear in the introduction so that the examiner does not have to guess what it is. There are also some small problems with grammar and some of the vocabulary from the question is repeated rather than paraphrased.
Corrections:
Nowadays, there is a growing tendency
thatfor many older cities to update and modernize their buildings. This phenomenon has brought about a heated debate concerning whetheritthis is a positive development or not. I believe that while there are several important reasons some buildings in dated cities should be rebuilt, we need to be extremely careful about renovating places with potential historical value.
Final Version:
Nowadays, there is a growing tendency for many older cities to update and modernize their buildings. This phenomenon has brought about a heated debate concerning whether this is a positive development or not. I believe that while there are several important reasons some buildings in dated cities should be rebuilt, we need to be extremely careful about renovating places with potential historical value.
Finally, here is my own sample answer.
Lee’s Sample Introduction:
There is a growing number of cities with older infrastructure and buildings that are being updated for the modern world. While I agree that such renovation can have a variety of important benefits for the city and its residents, I believe that it is important to acknowledge the potentially disastrous drawbacks that the modernization of historical areas may have.
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Write your answer to following question and post it in the comments below or on the IELTS Master Facebook Page. I’ll choose one of the comments to correct and use in a future lesson!
Question:
People under the age 18 who commit crimes should be re-educated rather than punished. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
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18-year-old teenagers committing crimes are supposed to be educated again instead of being subjected to a penalty. I completely agree with this point of view.
It is often been argued that whether juvenile delinquency should be penalized or counseled.I completely agree with the idea that minors who are committing crimes should be well guided and trained so that they refrained to perform such deed.
Here’s my sample introduction:
The issue of whether minors should be subject to the normal criminal justice system or should receive some sort of re-education has become popular. With some particular reservations, I believe that re-educating minors is superior to simple prison terms.
18-year-old teenagers committing crimes are supposed to be educated again instead of being subjected to a penalty. I completely agree with this point of view.
Some people mistakenly think that the best option for controlling young lawbreakers would be strict punishments. They ask governments to put such people on trial and sentence them to a particular punishment such as death or prison sentences. It is no doubt true that the drawbacks of the idea mentioned outweigh the advantages, and I believe that other measures should be introduced.
In my view, one of the most crucial factors influencing teenagers is undoubtedly education, making them alter the structure of their attitude or their personality. I have two compelling reasons which attach great importance to effects of education on young generation’s mental health. Firstly, I strongly believe that people aged 13 to 18 years old are not mature enough to make a sensible decision for the actions they take, and they might not be able to anticipate the negative consequences of their violent or illegal actions. As a result, I imagine that by providing an educational environment for such people to be informed with regards to being against the law, the number of potential wrongdoers will be reduced for sure. On the other hand, teenagers are definitely curious about doing or experiencing some illegal actions from which they take pleasure. To raise the youth’s awareness, some basic educational needs must surely be met. I assert that education is certainly an eye-opener which helps youngsters turn their lives around and be productive and normal members of a society.
Although it is thought by some that strict and severe punishment can deter the youth from committing crimes, I completely agree with the idea that teaching or educating immature lawbreakers would be much more effective and help them lead a happier and better life.
hello, here is my practice:
Recently, there is a growing tendency in the public’s perception that adolescent criminals deserve the re-education instead of the punishment. As for me, both of the treatments are not incompatible but complementary to each other; in truth, they are equally essential to reduce the juvenile delinquency in the long run.
Since the concept of law existed in the human civilization, punishment has been regarded as a most intuitive and efficient measure to tackle the criminal problem. It directly demonstrates the outcome of breaking the law: criminals must pay for their behaviors. And if we take this intimidating effect into consideration, it is necessary to place punishment on the offenders whether they are adult or not. Even some youngsters commit crimes owing to thoughtlessness, once they get imprisonment, as a usual form of punishment, they would realize the value of freedom and how enormous the cost of offending is.
However, the reality in jail sometimes makes things worse. Adolescents who are humiliated or bullied when serving a sentence, for example, would lose the trust in people and reoffend easily after they return to society. At this point, rehabilitation can exactly make up the drawbacks the punishment has. In the period of rehabilitation, those young criminals are not only equipped with the skills they can live on, adapted to the organized and productive life style, but also taught the sense of self-respect. Knowing they have second chance is quite crucial for the integration of individuals and community.
For these reasons mentioned above, I strongly believe that only in company with a complete re-education system can the moderate punishment effectively curtail the recurrence of adolescent crimes.
You better register and go for the test, instead of wasting any further time. That is the best advise came to my mind after reading your essay!
it is widely argued that young people under 18 should be reeducated rather than punished, because they are not mature enough to understand the seriousness of theirs acts. However, they should be examinated by a psychologist to assess their mantal ability as many of them are victims of violence and dope.
Although it has been a worth discussion topic to prioritise the value of punishment and education for the youth under the age of 18 who commits a crime
In my opinion education is for most important tool in building a civilized community and rendering youth from committing a crime
A civilized community will understand the values of life and living, and will be well aware of the outcome of a crime, which can be due to the virtue of good education.
But for the youth who are under 18 years of age with immature minds and no ideas of the outcome of their acts, will some times go for it just for the sake of joy or lake of sense
On the other hand punishment in terms of sentence is key to justice.
If a wrong doer has not been punished due to his young age the youth will feel relaxation in law which will be the rout to increase crime
So if a younger has to be sentenced due to a crime there should be some sourt of relaxation in the punishment in terms of duration or placement with concurrent educational and social behavioural modification teqniques
The increase in juvenile offences and violence have inflated the arguments among many as in whether teenage offenders should be provided with education than punishing. I partially agree with this since the juveniles require a variety in their program which includes education and punishment.
There are several causes for juvenile delinquency the ones which are highlighted among the teenagers are family issues, influence by outsiders, mass media and technology. The solutions that many provide to mitigate this issue is education.
Education in school curriculum and juvenile correctional centers is identified as one of the most effective ways of decreasing the crime rates. In regards to the education system in school’s programs such as sexual abuse prevention and bullying prevention play an effective role to the society. Likewise, the professionals in charge of the correctional education centers should be in the process of educating the individual about his or her disabilities and how to meet the challenges with the involvement with guardians and parents.
In contrast, lighter punishments should be aligned with the educational facilities. For example payment of fines for damages by the guardian or parents, behavioral programs and compulsory community services. These punishments will alert the parents on their responsibilities in providing parental support. Further, in monitoring the behavioral patterns programs on training and treatment sessions such as aggression and courses on how to stay away from drugs and alcohol will be beneficial.
To conclude, each juvenile differs from each other where some will benefit from guidance and education while others require tough punishments.
Interesting that you support the *heated debate* phrase… 🙂
Thanks for the comment.
As far as the “heated debate” phrase goes, it’s not something I use often myself, but I try not to over-correct student work.
And in this particular case it seems reasonable (I can imagine this particular debate actually is quite heated in some places).