For this week’s student correction we’re going to correct a student’s body paragraphs for a discussion question. As a review, look at this post on introductions for discussion questions.
With discussion questions, we can usually use the following structure for the body paragraphs…
Body 1: Support for the Opposite Opinion (5 sentences)
Body 2: Support for my opinion (5 sentences)
IELTS Task 2 Discussion Question:
Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Student Introduction (with mistakes):
Economic progress is important for any country to develop. With this progress, household income in the country increases. Per-capita income of people increases which in turn would raise their living standard. For an instance, with increase in turn over rate of country’s hydro-power industry, revenue increases with which the country would embark on more sophisticated technologies for better services.
Similarly, progress in education, culture and tradition of the country are equally important. It is with education that the mind set of people is directed rightly. Educated parents guide their children in right direction. Progress in approach to culture and tradition of the country should be an utmost priority of every nation. Today, with international influence of one country over another, maintaining one’s identity has become very urgent issue. Every country has their own culture and tradition which signifies their own identity. For an instance, people from Bhutan are identified base only on their unique dress and language. Like wise every country have their own.
Lee’s Comments: Both of these body paragraphs show a lot of potential and have some good specialty vocabulary. The structure is also the same as the one I outlined above, with the second paragraph being the author’s opinion. However, there are some problems with grammar and linking word choices. The coherence in the concluding sentences is also a bit weak, which is why I added another sentence to each of them.
Corrections:
Economic progress is important for any country to develop. With this progress,
household income in the country increasesper-capita incomeof peoplealso increases which in turnwouldraisestheirliving standards. Foraninstance,withan increase inturn over rate ofrevenue from a country’s hydro-power industry allows the country to invest in, revenue increases with which the country would embark onmore sophisticated technologies for better services. This can result in technological benefits trickling down to normal households, thereby improving life quality.
SimilarlyNonetheless, progress in education, culture and the traditions of the country are equally important. It is with education that the mindsets of people are directedrightlyonto the right path. Educated parents, for example, are able to guide their children in right direction. In addition, progress in the preservation ofapproach toculture and traditionof the countryshould be an utmost priority of every nation. Today, with international influence of one country over another, maintainingone’snational identity has become a very urgent issue. Every country has their own culture and tradition which signifies their own identity. Foraninstance, people from Bhutan are identified basedonlyon their unique dress and language. Maintaining these unique qualities is very important.Likewise every country have their own.
Final:
Economic progress is important for any country to develop. With this progress, per-capita income also increases which in turn raises living standards. For instance, an increase in revenue from a country’s hydro-power industry allows the country to invest in more sophisticated technologies for better services. This can result in technological benefits trickling down to normal households, thereby improving life quality.
Nonetheless, progress in education, culture and the traditions of the country are equally important. It is with education that the mindsets of people are directed onto the right path. Educated parents, for example, are able to guide their children in right direction. In addition, progress in the preservation of culture and tradition should be an utmost priority of every nation. Today, with international influence of one country over another, maintaining national identity has become a very urgent issue. Every country has their own culture and tradition which signifies their own identity. For instance, people from Bhutan are identified based on their unique dress and language. Maintaining these unique qualities is very important.
Finally, here is my own sample answer.
Lee’s Sample Body Paragraphs:
Economic development is an integral component of a country’s reputation. For most governments around the world GDP is the foremost indicator of success as a nation. This is because economic well being is linked very closely to quality of life. For example, if a country is wealthy, it will be able to provide expensive services for its citizens like healthcare, public transportation, road maintenance, and national parks. Without a certain amount of economic strength, it would be impossible for governments to meet the demands of their people.
However, while economic progress is important, it does not mean that we can ignore other kinds of progress. Firstly, environmental improvements are incredibly important for the long-term well being of the world. Without a safe and healthy environment to live in, all of the money in the world will not be able to satisfy us. Secondly, progress in education is an underrated but valuable metric. The education that we provide for the next generation will shape what our country and our world becomes. Finally, countries need to remember to focus on the growth of the happiness of their people. This is the fundamental goal of all people and should come alongside any measurement of economic success.
Next week’s question:
Question:
Natural resources such as oil, wood, and fresh water are being consumed at an alarming rate. What problems does this consumption cause? How can we solve these problems?
Write your answer and post it in the comments below or on the IELTS Master Facebook Page.
Thank u so much
I’m happy I can help!
Natural resources are gifts for human being given by natural world not only for one generation but also for next coming generations. So each and every individual has a responsibility to maintain and preserve from depletion of natural resources. Nowadays, natural resources such as oil, gas, wood and fresh water are faced on alarming rate. The consequences of depletion of natural resources cause climate change and threatened to ecosystem. Deforestation due to excessive production of wood may cause climate changes such as global warming , glicer melt, flood due to raising sea level, drought, shortage of fresh water for consumption and extinction.
So it is an urgent issue for every citizen for maintaining the enviroment by preserving the forest , replanting, reducing overproduction and over usage of oil, gas and wastage of water. In this way , we need to protect gifts of natural world from depletion.
To the modern era, the political leaders are think for first our nation and our culture. Economically improvement which is goal by some governments mentality despite some other think that is not only but other types of progress are similar make a part for a nation. I will discuss both perspective before my opinion.
To embark upon, some government should follow the economic improvement is their first priority. Obviously, economic is necessary for the different reasons. Firstly, they think about national expenditures like a public transportation, build a new hospital and our education that could be use that is why which is important. Moreover, on the government has a extremely pressures or they have anxiety about safety for the country. For example, government have to money that use to make a weapons and even purchase a new weapos from the other countries. If they did not take a action on safety concern therefore other country should establish their nationality on our nation.
Not only economic but also in some different field has a vital role for a country. First of all, without a technology and science our country do not effort to anythings. For example, todays fast generation one of the most important thing is internet services. Without internet country is not secure because all time connect with the settelight and watch our atmosphere what condition is our country. Look at all the situation on high secure internet. In addition to, different kind of digital technology such as computer, radar system, GPS system and so forth are very important.
To sum up, I think both things are very important because without economic country can not lead best rather than without technology and science country can not secure and also both the think depends on each other.